The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
