Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize