I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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