There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
