peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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