I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
