remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
