So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
