4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
His hands were made for my vagina.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
