just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
