Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
