Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
