Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
