youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
