i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
