I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
