I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think I sprained my soul last night
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
