he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
