My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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