my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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