Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
