yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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