My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
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I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
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I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.