I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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