And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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