I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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