So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
