if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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