do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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