so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
