We're like a lot better than the average bears
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
