i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
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I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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