shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
