Who wears a wallet chain?!
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
