I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
