I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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