Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
