peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
