Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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