I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
