Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
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What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
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Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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