this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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