It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
