i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
