Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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