Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
This girl is more easily done than said...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
