I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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