hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
