she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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