I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
