My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I am available for nakedness
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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