I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
