Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
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