Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
