yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
