I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
