My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Enjoy the penises
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
