She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
