I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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