I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
