Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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