I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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