My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Randomize
